Every day I wake up and try to figure out what post should I upload, how can I share my journey in the best way possible.
Dang, that isn't easy, cause when you go ahead and decide to follow your dream no matter what it is, you want to get a good feedback from the outside world. Yet, I am not willing to give up on what makes me, well- me!
I am an honest person, to the verge of too honest, a straight shooter. Some-times it works well for me, and some- less. But no, I am not planning to stop.
No, I'm not here for the likes, shares and social media publicity, I am here for me. Creating a blog, and a platform for people to learn has always been on my mind- and now I made it happen, I decided to quit making excuses and follow my dreams. Yes! I am allowed more than one dream- YOU are allowed more than one dream, and if you make it all happen you see how every dream compliments another.
Sharing my personal thoughts is hard, I can give titles of events in my life but actually digging deep and writing it all down is difficult, but I am going to try.
What I want to touch base on today is self-image. I was never good at that, always the chubby- fat kid everyone made fun of, and most of my teen life I preferred to hide out at the ranch- horse never judged me.
It was about the age of 16 when I developed an eating disorder, started out every once in a while but it didn't take too long for me to become bulimic. I could eat immense amount of food and then throw up. Sorry for being detailed. Like said, brutally honest.
I lost weight, 30 kg in 3 months, I remember going back to school, senior year in high school, after the summer break, and no one understood what had happened to me.
I was treating myself badly, over loading my body with stress. There was a little bit of relief to be thinner, by the way- I was never too skinny, it was hard to tell that I had an eating disorder- I was down to a 'normal' weight.
I quit school, senior year, and finished the final exams in an external program, and spent most of my time at the ranch.
It kept on for years, and I had been in therapy and people started finding out. And even when I was 'OK', I was so far away from it.
My self-image was so disrupted; I couldnt even see a difference with or without the 30kg I had lost- It all looked the same to me.
With the eating disorder came anxiety- fear of what others might say or think, fear of stepping out of my comfort zone, fear of myself- I was my biggest enemy. And it took me years to shake it off, and believe in myself- change the paradigme.
With all that said, horses where always there, so no matter what had happened in my personal life I kept showing, working at the ranch and teaching, it was my get-away from myself.
Self- Image; our conception, mental image.
Up until that day I started, I made a choice to go down that road- I was fine with the way I looked, not happy but sure not going to abuse my body that way.
Looking back, I can blame a lot of people, and say that the way I have been treated caused it. I'm not going to.
Yes, eating disorder is an addiction and an illness. But, and it might only be the way I see it, we choose to go down that road, we are accountable for our actions and body. Yes, most cases we lose control and become submissive- we let IT- control us.
Imagine having an angel and a devil sitting on your shoulders, and at some times the angel would gain enough confidence to pop up and make you see things in a positive way, and then comes the devil and it will bully positivity right out you mind.
This is what happened to my self- image. I could no longer see who I really was, only my mistaken assumption of others thought of me, and the fat girl I used to be- no matter how far away from that I was.
Today. I am healthy.
Nope, not kidding, and Yes, I can talk more about the eating disorder and take you to some dark corners I got to.
I am healthy, I chose to live a better life, to be the person I want to be, and a huge part of it is being creating that fearless, motivated, inspiring woman I dream of.
I work out, and eat healthy, and I yeah, somedays I wish I could fit a size 2 jeans, but hell-no! I am not going to let that perception control me- and my priority is me, my horses, dogs, family, friends and now that- YahelYa.
The girl that never gives up, no matter what, cause even at the darkest moment something in me knew I am going to get here, to this day, the day I can look at myself in the mirror and smile! And if someone has any negative B.S. to say about it, let them have it.
YahelYa- the best version I can be, and everyday gets better.